If your business goals include hiring a digital marketing agency to help increase your online visibility and convert traffic into revenue AND you want to be a complete douchebag towards them, do I have some great tips for you! But before I lovingly dispense these gems of wisdom, let me first congratulate you because you are about to join the 22%. That’s right; according to HubSpot 22% of digital marketing customers don’t understand how SEO and Inbound work. That said, 100% of digital marketing clients who demand instant results don’t understand how SEO and lead generation works. These are the impatient, unrealistic clients who would still find 10 things to complain about if you handed them the keys to an Aston Martin One-77 on a silver platter from Tiffany’s surrounded by a dozen Fabergé eggs once owned by Empress Fedorovna herself.
But pissing off your agency requires much more than simply being a negative, demanding person who has better things to do than understand how their business growth works. You see, when you work with boutique style SEO-driven Inbound marketing agencies, you will find a significantly higher class of service than what’s typically seen at large 100+ firms. These medium-sized agencies are generally staffed with the best in the business; people who are passionate, customer-facing professionals. This means they will tolerate your “basic level of stupid”. So if you truly want to be that douchebag client your agency winds up firing, you need to abscond the limits of obnoxious and be a true SOB. Here’s how to do it.
Develop a God Complex
You need to make yourself believe that you are their only client. This means they need to take your calls immediately, drop everything they are doing, rush out to your office for unscheduled meetings, and respond to emails within minutes. Get it into your head that all their other clients have mysteriously vanished, leaving only you for them to fawn over. Get used to having them smooch both sides of your bum, because you are God to them. If you terminated your contract with your agency, they would be destitute; starving in the bitter cold streets while humbly eating spoiled potato mash from an Army helmet.
Get All “David Copperfield” on Your Agency and Escape!
When your agency emails or leaves a voice message asking for things vital to proceed in working to increase your brand’s online visibility, get all David Copperfield on their ass and disappear. Run as fast as you can to avoid them! Expect your agency to call a second and third time. Do not fall for their pleas; keep ignoring them if you strive to be the biggest douchebag client ever. On a fourth call you may hear them say compelling things designed to trick you into giving them what they want. Here is a common example:
“Hi Mrs. Business Owner, this is Helpful Marketing Agency calling again. We urgently need access to your Google Analytics so we can set up your goals and track progress. We also need access so we can sync GA with our internal conversion-tracking software. Without this access we won’t be able to gauge what kind of strategy adjustments need to be made, let alone establish a plan.”
Don’t fall for this. They can do it. They don’t need to see actual raw data to make sense of anything. If you really want to throw away your initial investment with them, piss them off, and be a true douche, you just keep playing golf and let them figure it out.
Make Your Agency Your Own Personal Siri
If you have basic questions like “what does SEM stand for” or “what is considered a strong domain authority”, don’t ask Siri. in fact don’t even manually type the query into Google. Call your marketing agency and ask those techy geniuses. Although it was not mentioned in your contract, they are at your disposal to call and ask as many questions as you have floating around in your head. Why? Because you pay them, dammit, and you are striving to get every penny’s worth while being a douchebag client! They set all the time in the world aside just for you, so go ahead and blow up their phone all day.
Develop Unrealistic Expectations
You just signed a contract with your agency last month, so why aren’t you number one on Google for all your keywords, why hasn’t your Paid Search ad spend decreased by 50%, and why isn’t your phone ringing off the hook all day long with customers? Hey, why haven’t you made millions yet? Douchebag clients have these expectations, and if you truly want to join their ranks, then you need to have them too! Start by telling yourself that every marketing agency has a special switch in a secret room of their office connected to Google, and if they choose to turn it on, you will rank number one and start getting more customers immediately! You also need to make yourself believe that they purposely avoiding pulling the switch because they want to get more money from you. After all, once you rank well in Google there is no need to pay them anymore. You can leave your agency and your ranking will stay cemented in the SERPs for all eternity, even if the planet blows up, because the world is yours.
Make Your Agency Your Scapegoat
If your products and services have seasonal highs and lows, and in those down months you notice your sales aren’t as strong as they were a few months prior, it isn’t due to consumer purchasing patterns or seasonality at all; it’s your agency’s fault! Did your shitty Wix website get hacked? Hey, just because your agency offered to migrate it onto a WordPress platform but you refused due to the additional expense, it is still their damn fault! Look at it this way: if you were at your wedding and a plane suddenly crashed into the seated guests ruining the entire event, you would naturally blame the person who booked the venue. So why not blame your marketing agency if your internal sales team can’t close the leads brought in by your Inbound team? This logic makes total sense!
Biggest Douche Client Awards
If you think you should be nominated for the Biggest Douche Client Awards, follow these tips down to the letter. Even though you will likely piss off your agency and get fired, your douchieness is going to be put in question if you don’t follow this advice. Here’s what you don’t want to do: actually take the time to understand how marketing works, learn how to track your progress through the reporting your SEO experts give you, and understand that digital marketing is a process while working WITH your agency to learn from them while give them what they need to complete basic tasks. If you become THAT client you will never even get a chance to reach the podium to address why you should win the Biggest Douche Client Awards. Just keep wasting your agency’s time while being overly demanding and soon your douche crown will be set firmly in place with Bert Parks raised from the dead singing your song: “There she is, Biggest Douche Client…”.
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